The thrill ain't gone

"So, why do you think that is? What is it about having lots of sex with lots of different men, that piques your interest?"

I leaned back in my comfy shrink-patient chair for the second time this week, weirded out and shocked that someone so eloquent and proper looking had just asked me about my 'problem'.

Why why why, I thought. That's the reason why I'm here. Because I can't stop thinking about having sex with other guys, men, males. Anything remotely good-looking, of the opposite sex that releases pheromones within a 10km radius, that has a penis and makes me wonder how big it is, is it circumcised, how well will it pleasure me and how deep can it thrust into me.

I rubbed my face, closed my eyes and pondered her question while sitting across from my sex therapist, who was sitting straight up in her leather executive chair, poised with pen and paper, ready to jot down notes on my sex crazed mind could sputter out.

"I don't know," I finally sighed. "I just love sex. To me, it's just sex. It's a release, it's excitement, it's curiosity. I love men too much?" I looked at her helplessly, like a child who misbehaved all day long and knew they did something bad but wasn't exactly sure at which delinquent act they were being asked about.

"Ok. So what happened this past weekend? I mean, that's the reason you're here, right?"

I nodded, afraid to spill the beans but at $200 an hour, I had no other choice. Money drives you to do crazy things, right? Like sign up for a full month 5AM yoga classes six days a week, knowing that if you quit, you'll have wasted the $800 tuition.

"I had a ridiculous amount of sex with a ridiculous number of men all in less than a week's time".

SexDoc looked down and began scribbling furiously in her notepad.

"And I loved every minute of it," I added, wincing and looking away from her.

"And you don't feel remorse." SexDoc re-confirmed. It's true, I feel no remorse when I do this, despite being a newlywed to an amazing person. It's almost as if I'm two different people, I told SexDoc, like I can compartmentalize these two separate lives and wake up to live the wholesome one but when I go out with friends, or go to a different city and mix in the alcohol, I move onto living the other life.

SexDoc looked over her notes and leaned in, "so what would you ultimately like to accomplish by coming here? Your ultimate goal."

"I have two. One, I want to stop having these uncontrollable sexual thoughts and urges. I don't always act on them but when I'm drunk and other men are around, I definitely could. Two, i want to stop putting myself into weird situations with guys, being overly flirtatious and leading them on. BUt it's so hard, it's my nature to be flirty and I just always step over the line without realizing it until its too late."

I glance at the clock and realize the session is over. SexDoc and I agree to meet up next week to discuss clinical hypnosis. Apparently it's effective for people who are coachable. For those who truly want to be healed.

As I waited in the lobby for the elevator to arrive, my phone bleeped, indicating a text message. It was Brad Scott.
That kiss was delicious. I want to see you again, when can I fly you out to my place?
OMG. My heart fell into my gut and a wave of excitement came over me. After that airport incident, I tried to wash it all away with a hot shower and a verbal diarrhea session with Lauren and Adelle. I thought Brad would've just forgotten me, after all, he's a famous billionaire and I'm a nobody. And now he wants to fly me out to see him!?

I really shouldn't encourage this, I thought to myself. But it was really exciting and the thought of smooching a powerful, older guy was really turning me on. I text back:

Yes, it was fun. Not sure when, I can barely get time off! When are you back in town?
I quickly got into the elevator and back down into my car, hands a little shaky. Could I really pull it off? Too many things to think about, worry about.

Where's that little angel on my shoulder when you need her!??!?

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